Time to pull out those textbooks, folks, and gear up for your next exam — this time, in theological engineering! (an oldie, but a goodie — let’s see what answers you can come up with!)
THEOLOGICAL ENGINEERING EXAM 1
5 Questions, 60 Minutes
Instructions:
- You may use a calculator, the Bible, the Koran, the Torah, and the Book of Mormon.
- The speed of light is c and is always blindingly pure.
- Show all work. Notate all divine inspiration.
- For all problems, assume a perfectly spherical Jesus of constant density D.
- No praying during the exam.
Question #1: (20 pts) Bob and Joe are standing on a street corner. God loves each an equal amount L. Bob then accelerates to 0.9c. In Joe’s rest frame, how much does God now love Bob?
Question #2: (20 pts) Sven, a Lutheran, is in a state of grace. He then has sex with standard-issue sheep S.
a. (8 pts) What is Sven’s atonement coefficient following the act if the sheep was not willing?
b.(12 pts) What if the sheep, while not technically being willing, could not be said to mind, either?
Question #3: (20 pts) Let the eternal, all-abiding love of the Holy Spirit be the x – y plane. Let Sue’s soul be at (0,0,5) at t=0 seconds, traveling at 5 m/s in the direction of the positive z axis. Everything is in Cartesian coordinates bespeaking subscription to a perfectly rational Enlightenment attitude towards the Universe. At what time t will Sue be saved? (Hint: Assume a point soul.)
Question #4: (20 pts) Assume the Rapture occurs at time t. Cornelia, a saved human being weighing 90 kg, in a state of grace, has her head in the closing jaws of an alligator at time t. What mass of meat will remain to the alligator at time t + 10 sec.?
Question #5: (20 pts) Stan is a frictionless, massless Mormon in a rest state. His sin level (l) for his faith is currently at 11 McBeals. He eats 0.3 kg of pork and enjoys it very much. Assume that the Jews are right about, well, pretty much everything:
a. (10 pts) What is Stan’s sin level now?
b. (10 pts) Assuming Stan repents at a constant acceleration of 0.32 petitions/hour, at what point will he reach a state of Holiness?
Extra Credit (10 pts): 25 grams of wafers and 20 ml of cheap wine undergo transubstantiation and become the flesh and blood of our Lord. How many Joules of heat are released by the transformation?
Hand in the exam when done and may God have mercy on your work.
No praying during…but before…?
[rq=3340,0,blog][/rq]Pinky promise
This was very funny, but if I actually tried to do the math, my head would explode.
[rq=3509,0,blog][/rq]A Work In Progress
Your questions imply a reality that may not exist. They are, therefore, unanswerable at any level. Now let’s dig into those crackers & wine.
I declare that I will never be done this exam. At the time of the Rapture I will hand it in, snatched from the jaws of an alligator.
Until such time, I will be kind to sheep, not stand on street corners with people named Joe and Bob, and enjoy pork but refrain from taking communion. I leave the coordinates of the Rapture to the Cartesians, as they seem to enjoy puzzles so much.
1) L=r*t/J
=0.9*0.5*0.0001
=0.000045
2) a. Trick question. Animals do not have souls.
b. Irrelevant. Gen. 1:26 “”Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground.”
3) Impossible to calculate with Cartesian coordinates. Non-Euclidian geometry is required.
4) According to Jerry Maguire, the human head weighs 8 lbs. This is approx. 3.62873896 kg. Subtract this from 90 kg at time t. t + 10 = m*t = 1 + 10/t = 86.37126104 ==> 8.537126104 kg.
5) Stan will go to hell for worshiping a man over God.
Extra Credit: No joules of heat will be released as during transubstantiation, only the essences change, not the accidents.