“Annoyed as hell” would be an accurate representation of my mood today on my noon hour drive home (all of 5 measly blocks). I’m fully of the opinion that Jan & Dean’s The Little Old Lady from Pasadena was a tongue-in-cheek absurdist piece about the bluehair population currently roaming our streets and wreaking havoc on everyone’s normal driving environment. Second only to drunk drivers, the extremely old folks still driving around town are seriously starting to screw up safety and responsibility on the road as well as make me pull out the profanity far more often than normal.

And, frankly, Iowa driving license law is to blame. While I fully support the ability for all ages of people to possess a license to drive, the fact remains that it is a privilege, not a right, and the laws are too flexible for those who have reached their golden years and past, allowing them to continue to renew over and over with only passing a simple eye exam. I fully believe that if these folks were required to take a driving test every so many years to maintain their license, 50% on the road right now would not pass.

Let me describe to you the scene as I left work for lunch today. I pull out from the parking lot to the side street and drive up to the stop sign on main street, where traffic is headed perpendicular past me without any signs to stop at all (as one might reasonably expect of a main through street). After I pull up, stop, and have my indicator blinking for a left turn, a decrepit old lady in a older tan car approaches the intersection from the left, followed by one of those stupid-looking jacked-up trucks with the big Mud Gripperâ„¢ tires on it, towering over the Buttoldmobile by six feet or so.

The lady sees me sitting there, blinker flashing, and STOPS — right in the middle of the street! Remember, there is NO stop sign on her side whatsoever, but contrary to how you think this intersection should be approached, apparently no sign means to stomp on the brake and bring her vehicle to a screeching halt in a hurry. WHY??!?!

Not that she was going at a rip-roaring pace to start with — she was flying by at all of 10mph beforehand. It wasn’t like I had started to pull out, like I sometimes do (it’s a rather blind corner — for the side streets). I was sitting there, patiently, but as soon as she saw that I had the potential to pull out, she went into panic mode. OH GOD, ANOTHER CAR ON THE ROAD — WHATEVER SHALL I DO!?

*headdesk*

I am sitting in my car, screaming obscenities and incredulousnesses at her, completely flabbergasted as well as being incredibly annoyed all at the same time. The driver of aforementioned idiotic-looking Bigfoot truck was looking less-than-pleased himself as I’m sure he was contemplating letting his huge-ass tires roll right over the damned car and put it (and our clueless granny) out of its misery.

This isn’t the first time this (or something similar) has happened, of course. We’ve all gotten stuck behind the occasional bluehair driving at 43mph on a country road, the one weaving from side to side as they gawk at everyone in town, and the dumbshit who hits their brake randomly on a straight road, just because they get a giggle out of being hugged tightly by their seatbelt.

What to do about this?

Well, I think 2 essential things need to be done to help alleviate this situation:

ONE: All persons, once you have reached 70 years of age, should be required to take a comprehensive driving test every 3 years (at least) to maintain their license. The fact is, over 70, people start going downhill fast. Some slower, some faster, but it’s very, very easy for someone to go from good to bad. This is NOT the fault of the individual (usually) — it’s just a phenomenon of getting older. But the fact that it exists is very real and we should not be putting other drivers’ safety at stake just because we’re uncomfortable about giving Grandma a test to make sure she can still navigate properly. Sure it’s a bitch for those older folk, but look — it’s for your safety and mine. Tough crap if it offends your sensibilities or pride; suck it up.

TWO: There needs to be some re-education for older folk there on proper driving habits, and some of them need to learn how to drive from the get-go, as technology has changed a lot since they learned how to drive by taking the family pony to the General Store and double parking it at the hitching post. Here’s some things I wish older drivers knew and would practice:

1. Even though the signs say, “Speed Limit”, the meaning between the lines should be interpreted as, “Speed Average”. True, according to the letter of the law, you CAN do 35 in a 55 zone, but it is dangerous to do so and any competent driving instructor will tell you the same. Cars all traveling near the same speed on a road keep everyone safer, because nobody is causing any backups nor is anyone zipping ahead and around people. Think of a boat in a river: If it’s going slower than the water, it causes ripples. If it is going faster than the water, it causes ripples. Only by going the same speed does it leave the water smooth and uninterrupted. This principle is the same on the road. If driving near the speed limit makes your heart beat fast and palms sweaty like they did when you were a teenager in heat, please avoid subjecting the rest of us to your “country drive” attitude towards speed. “Sunday drive with Grandpa” is also now obsolete due to the fact that people now have more places to go on a Sunday than to get home to the roast in the oven.
2. Brakes are used for 2 reasons: Adjusting speed when coming to an area that requires slower speed (lower speed limit, going into a turn) and stopping at an appropriate crossing that is marked for a stop. Other uses of brakes, including “I felt like it”, “I thought I saw a paper bag roll across the road”, and “my goddamned gout is acting up” are inappropriate and dangerous; kindly keep your fucking foot off the pedal at these times.
3. If you are unable to easily see over the dash of your car, turn your head to observe events to the sides and rear of your vehicle, and/or spin the wheel from lock-to-lock without shifting your hands more than twice, you are physically unfit to drive. Getting shorter as you get older must be a real drag, but stiff-necked, weak armed old ladies who can barely peer over the dash of their car, let alone tell where the nose of their 1979 Buick Boatmobile is, are a huge danger to the rest of the people and should be prevented from operating a large piece of machinery. You wouldn’t dare throw Grandma into the backyard with a chainsaw and tell her to trim the hedge, so why toss her into a 3,000 pound bullet on wheels and send her for milk?
4. You must observe normal traffic rules, not the ones you make up in your head as you go along. The rest of us aren’t psychic enough and we do not subscribe to the publication that your ass makes as it pulls things out, so please don’t subject us to your every whim when you’re headed down the highway. Stop signs are for stopping, turn signals are for turning, lane markings are to mark where the lanes are, and, if you can believe it, roads are for driving on. These are not items subject to interpretation, even though I regularly observe people using stop signs for gawking, chatting with passengers, or taking a breather; turn signals to celebrate the festive feeling of the day or indicate where you used to be; lane markings as decorative flair on the road upon which to weave your car’s path; and roads as a personal rollercoaster ride, white knuckled and unpredictable, where everyone is surprised at the outcome.

I think these are pretty decent rules to follow and don’t really require much out of the ordinary of the drivers on the road. I’m not trying to be an asshole, I really like older people (they taste like chicken), but my patience and sense of safety is wearing thin. I’m happy to see Old Miss Leary out and about and enjoying her golden years, but not if she’s going to end up sideswiping a cow and causing a ditch fire.