Easy-Bake Fingers, Served Hot!
In another move to protect idiotic people (who should never be parents) from themselves, Hasbro has recalled 985,000 Easy-Bake toy ovens from the market, citing that the door could catch youngsters’ fingers in it, resulting in burns; indeed, apparently at least 5 incidents have already been reported.
You know the Easy-Bake ovens; you (or your sister, or a cousin) probably had one when you were little. They use a 100 watt light bulb inside a steel cage inside a cheap-ass plastic oven fascade to heat up a chamber where you can cook nasty-ass cakes and other confectionaries, lovingly mixed up from stale little cardboard boxes with cheesy pictures on the front. Kids love them, parents dread having to sample the little culinary horrors they produce. It results in a successful day in the kitchen, all in all.
There must be an overwhelming sense of patience at Hasbro to recall almost a million units of this toy because of 5 stupid children who got burned by them. FIVE. That is 0.00000005% of ALL owners of this toy who got injured, and I bet out of that, 99.998% of those were the parents fault because they let 3 year old Timmy try to make a muffin on his own while they watched Oprah.
Give me a break, folks. Poor Hasbro, I say. I’m sure they have tons of nervous lawyers in their offices, but, given that they make toys for children, I really don’t think they’re out to purposely be shoddy in their products. 5 hundred millionths of a percent of children getting injured is nothing to get in a tizzy about. More kids probably choke on Easy Cheez in a year than that, and you don’t see them recalling cans of that nasty concoction. Again, parents need to stop pointing their fingers at everyone when the default answer is usually pointing back at themselves for being stupid.
Armour Pork Brains in Gravy Really DOES Contain Pork Brains, However
Fortune carried an “analysis” article today stating that modern food labeling may “mislead consumers”, as if this was some sort of brilliant revelation he had while doing his morning Yoga With Mary.
REALLY!?
I can’t imagine. C’mon, folks. Let’s not kid ourselves about how stupid the average and below-average consumer is. They are the ones that watch Subway ads and think that by mowing down meatball subs all day every day you can lose 150 pounds and are shocked when it doesn’t happen quite that way. They are the ones that sue because coffee is hot, ice cream is cold, and driving heavy machinery while drunk almost always ends up with bad results. These are not the valedictorians of the class, people. Food labeling hardly has to be subtle to result in someone eating fish heads without knowing it.
That being said, I find it highly amusing as to what lengths manufacturers DO get away with product labeling. The fact that Kraft Guacamole Dip contains less than 2% avocado is funnier than hell. The idea that a softdrink (Enviga) burns calories is a laugh and a half.
Not that I think that they should be forced to change! “You shouldn’t have to read the small print when you visit the supermarket,” says Michael Jacobson. I disagree completely. If you’re not concientious enough about what you eat to examine the label, then you don’t deserve to know what’s inside. You are eating a pre-packaged, processed food — nobody checks the label of an Twinkie package, because really, YOU DON’T WANT TO KNOW. You’re buying them because you want an Twinkie, not a lesson in chemistry.
Parke Wilde also covers this in his blog, stating that, while there are rules about what can and cannot be called a particular food by the FDA, they’re somewhat…lenient. Thankfully, he does not seem to suggest that the onus of responsibility exists with the government to protect the stupid from their gluttony, which is why we have bloated federal departments in the first place.
Wise up, people. Chemicals are ever-present today in almost any food that has been cut, sliced, diced, mashed, pulped, whirled, deburped, or centrifuged. Pay attention to what you’re sticking in your gob or learn to get over it.
New Food-Free Food Promises a Healthier Lifestyle
In a blasé effort to cover the status of the consumer product market, Lynn Dornblaser of the market research firm Mintel has declared the end of the low-carb food fad and the beginning of the “gluten-free” fad, based on the number of new products being released into the market. I’m sure these sorts of stats are interesting to someone, but I really don’t know anyone, personally, who gives a damn.
Having said that, I’m a pretty big believer that we are consuming far too many carbs for our lifestyles these days. That certainly doesn’t make me an Atkins hippie nor does it mean I am a solid South Beach adherant; however, I do see value in the underlying mentality behind these fads: The amount of pure caloric intake we are subject ourselves to does not match with the requirements of our mostly-sedentry lifestyles.
I suffer greatly from this, myself. I am a computer programmer and online geek, which puts my ass squarely into the seat of my chair for at least 12 hours out of the day, sometimes more. I must make special efforts to induce movement into my schedule or my muscles might as well be vacationing in Aruba for all the good they are doing me.
I see the introduction of these products as an overactive, marketing response to a real shift in people’s mentalities. While the low-carb diet craze has died down, the underlying shift in people’s thinking has not. They are still concerned, in general, about carbs and will continue to keep that in mind as they make food choices. We’re now adding things like like trans-fats, salt, sugar, etc. to that thinking as the country struggles more and more with obesity and health issues associated with diet. I think, on the whole, it’ll end up in a good result. The key, I believe, is not to take any of it too seriously, but to glean the best features from each fad that comes along.
Aqua Teen Terrorist Force
And lastly, a short blurb about an advertising campaign gone wrong and the officials who twisted their panties over it: It seems that, in the sleepy town of Boston, an ad campaign featuring LED-powered caricatures of figures from Comedy Central’s “Aqua Teen Hunger Force” cartoon shut down the city and several bridges while officers inspected the devices, afraid that they were bomb threats planted by terrorists. Now, I’m sure while having a cartoon character flip you off in bright lights isn’t perceived as “family-friendly”, it certainly doesn’t look like a threat to my safety. Ah, those silly Bostonians — they’re good for a laugh, you know?
