It amazes me how often we toss out casual utterances in the name of supposed social graces, when in reality, everyone knows it’s a farce.   “Hey,” I mutter to a coworker as we pass in the hallway, two ships in the daylight, captains concentrated on a task other than navigating the socially-charged waters.    “Hrmph,” comes the reply.    “How’s it goin’?”  I utter to the next one, even though we both know that I don’t expect there to be a real answer to it.    A nod is all I receive, and on we go, neither of us miffed by the experience but at the same time, wondering why we have to indulge at all.

I find this phenomenon most prevalent at work, where I know most of the people I cross paths with in the course of my day.   Of course, I’m working (in theory), so I’m not in the mood, the mindset, or the time frame to stop and have an involved chat and find out, really, how s/he is. But, at the same time, I feel like a complete twibber to walk past a person and not say…well, something, anything, rather than silence or some sort of avoidance.

The real wretch of the experience is the eye contact.    There are such varying degrees to which you can take it, but for a proper transaction to take place, you have to somehow subtly agree on the duration and intensity of your stare.    Remember — we’re not being verbal here, so it’s Body Language 101  for the win — if you’re lucky.     Do you lock eyes intensely or out-of-focus casually?   Do you try to be coy and give a twinkle or a sordid wink?  In my experience, the ladies in the office seem fairly receptive to a smiling glance whereas the men don’t take a wink to be a sign of cordiality, no matter how much joy I put into it.

Naturally, there are always the Violators, the ones who will go against the grain of what you are trying to accomplish with your brief acknowledgment.    They come in one of three forms, none of which will make your day any faster or accomplish anything but encouraging one of the parties to scamper off behind a trash can, weeping:

The Weirdo: Exchanging a look for too little of time will earn you a bashful title, as if you’re constantly turning away early on the eye-to-eye exchange, you look like the submissive sort.    This might be an acceptable situation to be in, say, a relationship (if you’re into that sort of thing), but passing in the hall you look like you might cry.     On the other end of this spectrum is the creepy guy that stares a little TOO long, way past the time you’ve defined with your body language as the, “casual glance period”, making everyone feel like something bad just happened or the salsa from lunch is about to repeat on you.    Or, as some women experience it, the guy that meets your eyes and then swiftly glances downwards at other vistas, if only to emphasize the fact that he’s noticed your eyes but not nearly as much as your boobs.

The Quirk: Second on the Violators list is the non-conventional person who answers a comment or a question with something meant to be quirky or unusual but comes off as being strange or odd.    “How’s it goin’?” someone might ask my boss.   “Livin’ the dream!” he replies, confident that he’s being unique — which he is, but it sets people aside when they hear it, much as if he had answered the question in some ribald fashion, like, “It’s going INTO MY PANTS!”      Nobody likes the clever ones.

The Conversationalist: Last but certainly not least troublesome of Violators is the Conversationalist.    One comment to this person as you pass in the hallway and you are STUCK — 15, 30, 50, 90 minutes later, your coffee cold, feet sore, and your brain fried into a small puddle of gasping protoplasm, you are released to go back to your cubicle and have a good cry, now knowing more about the love life of the Conversationalist than even Maury Povich would be able to extract.   These folks do nothing but interrupt the salmon on the way up the river.

Despite all these hazards that must be navigated, to say nothing of the standard act of meeting in the hallway, we still feel the need to do something as we pass on our way to the next location.     A nod, a slight wave, a finger-gun, a salute, a fist-bump, an eye-roll — we feel the need to somehow convey to each other that we see them and they’re there, but really — we’re just trying to work, ya know?

So, folks — how’s it goin’?