This is a response I wrote to a posting on LuthrMusicGirl19′s Xanga Blog. It fits well underneath my “philosophy” category, I think.

She asked several questions about judgements, perfection, and decisions. I suspect they were asked in relation to one of her own experiences of late, but she didn’t elaborate. However, the questions were interesting, so I wrote a rather lengthy response. Her original questions are in italics:

Why do we like who we like? Is it because of a few intangible qualities that we find ourselves attracted to that certain someone, or is it deeper than that? Why is it that I can be attracted to someone while others are not attracted at all, and think I am crazy for said attraction?

I think attraction runs on many levels, some more obvious, some less so. One thing that I’m convinced of is that we rarely know the entire process behind our brain’s function and rarely can understand the reactions we get when interacting with things. Our brains are naturally “pattern matchers”. That is, when we say, see something, we recognize it because it matches, to a certain percentage, something we’ve seen before. That is why someone can alter their appearance somewhat and we will still know who they are because the pattern still mostly matches in our brain.

Ok, so take this to the attraction level. Some things we can easily identify — cute expressions, a body that appeals to us, nice sense of humor — but those aspects of attraction that we *can’t* readily identify, I think, are linked to a pattern that our brain is matching up with that we just can’t identify. In other words, when you experience that person, there is something in your brain that is “matching” with that person’s aspects without you knowing why. And since that match is being caused by more than just one aspect (wow, nice legs!), you can’t pin it down to that one factor.

Now, what aspects appeal to us and cause a pattern match? I don’t know. I think it varies widely for each person which is why you might be attracted to someone that many others aren’t. Some of the patterns may be things laid down in your brain as a child, or via the environment you come from, or…any number of things. I think some of them are genetically predisposed patterns — aspects of your brain designed by your DNA that promote your attraction to particular features and away from others.

Why do people feel the need to judge the choices of others? Isn’t God the only one in a place to judge us???

I think judgement is, by our very nature, something we do. If you think about it, we’re constantly judging things — can I make that jump across the crevice, is this job move a smart one, will it hurt if I touch that hot car surface, etc. Sure, some of these seem simple, but they’re still *judgements* — evaluating the facts, the previous experiences, and intuition and arriving at a conclusion. We do it as much with relationships to other people as we do it to our eggs when we’re cooking them in the morning. NOW — there’s caveats to this. Just because we do this by nature does not necessarily mean that A) we are always good at it, B) that we always do it properly, or C) that we should be relying heavily upon our judgement at all. The thing that we tend to forget is that when it comes to flipping an egg, it’s a pretty easy judgement. Not many factors and variables involved. But when it comes to judging others, and more specifically, relationships to others and THEIR relationships to others, the factors involved become a wide myriad of variables, instances, and variations. Judgement becomes infinitely more complex.

The problem is, we tend to still judge and rely upon those judgements as if it were a breakfast cooking decision, even though we should, by all rights, know better. We should know that a judgement of a relationship, even when we are IN IT OURSELVES is quite complex, never mind judging others.

But, of course, that doesn’t stop a great many people from doing it anyway. Just because humans are built to do something doesn’t mean we always should, and it doesn’t mean we should always think we’re automatically correct, either. We’re built to have sex, too, but going with instinctual urges and desires concerning that doesn’t work so well. Likewise, we shouldn’t be brandishing our judgements out there with promiscuity, either.

What makes us think and feel the way we do about others? How is that each of us are fearfully and wonderfully made by an amazing Creator, but we find it neccessary to be/be with the “perfect person?” Is it our judgemental human nature, or society, or is it something embedded deep within ourselves?

I don’t think it’s evil to search for perfection; in fact, I believe that God wants us to do so, otherwise he wouldn’t have urged us to be good. “Nah, that’s good enough, go off and play now.” *pat,pat* Hardly. I think we have, innate within ourselves as both spiritual beings and as human beings, an urge to always go for the “most perfect”. This is a good thing. When making furniture, can a perfect chair ever be made? No, of course not. Flaws exist in everything — that’s the nature of the world. However, if the maker didn’t strive to reach perfection, however unobtainable it might be, how would chairs ever be made of quality? How would they ever get better? The push towards a perfect instance is that which keeps us on our toes and working towards the greater good.

In relationships, when we are searching for a person, we naturally search for the “perfect” mate because we simply don’t want to ever believe that we didn’t make a great effort towards doing so. Will we ever find a perfect person? Ha! You’re dreaming if you truly think so. But does it hurt to try? No, because it helps “thin the herd” if you will. You spend a lot of time thinking about quality aspects and attributes that you can’t live without, or that you can’t live with.

NOW — that all being said, one of the problems I see people doing when they’re looking for a mate is that they can be TOO pedantic about the perfection role. In other words, let’s imagine you were car shopping. Would you let ANY flaw in the car stop you from buying it? Of course not. You’d let little flaws be themselves and take it for the larger picture instead. A newer car with good mileage, clean interior, great engine, and lots of room but that has a small scratch on the paint won’t stick around long — people will live with that scratch because the rest of the vehicle is top-notch. Likewise, people need to figure out what are just “scratches” on people and what are major problems. If she’s got a bad transmission (not implied), you don’t want a long-term relationship with her. But a few scratches? A small dent? A squeaky steering wheel? Not big issues. People need to learn what are the big issues with another person and what aren’t.

How is it that each of us has a different idea of what “perfection” really is? Why can’t we all accept ourselves as humans, made in the image of God, without questioning or judging our differences?

I think I mostly talked about this one already, but as a continuance of the idea, I don’t think that by questioning and judging we are necessarily violating our creator’s vision or intentions. Using those questionings or judgements in a hurtful or irresponsible manner is what violates God’s intentions. I believe we were built with our ability to judge, to question, to analyze, to deduct — all on purpose. These are good things, and as such, we’re expected to use them. But, like our ability to have sex, which is also a good thing, we are expected to use them in ways that are loving, respectful, promotional, and beneficial — not in hurt, hate, or evil ways. That’s the distinction and it’s sometimes a very hard one, especially in interpersonal relationships.

Wow…that was longer than I originally intended, but maybe it’ll give food for thought.