You don’t have to have a kid.
Seriously. I know how societal pressures are, especially from your parents who may be the type that are just dying to get their hands on a baby and spoil it rotten. Some can be sweet and gentle about it, but I’ve heard stories of those who are downright, “You will give me a grandchild, NOW!” to which I have no rational answer that doesn’t involve propping my mouth open like a codfish.
You don’t have to have a kid.
It’s hard when all your peers are making strides in life and you aren’t keeping up with the Joneses — I know. When everyone has a snuggle buddy and you are the third wheel, you are left out. When everyone else seems to be engaged, it’s hard not to have diamond lust and to be picking out china. And when they’re all getting married, I’ve sat right along with you in a pew and wished I was the one standing at the top of the aisle and not them. It sucks. The desire to have kids can be even worse when everyone around you is pregnant or blowing raspberries into tiny bellies.
But…you don’t have to have a kid.
I have huge amounts of respect for two groups of people — those that are parents or want to be parents and love and adore their children (or their future children), and those that have said, “I never, ever want in a million years to have children and I’m not going to and I’m ok with that.” It’s insanely harder to make that second statement, but bless every one of you for bucking society and doing what’s right for you and not what everyone says you must.
Really — you don’t have to have a kid.
The first group of people really bother me are those who fall victim to peer pressure and have a child, either because they receive pressure from relatives or friends or simply via society and marketing, but in reality, they didn’t actually want to have children as badly as everyone else wanted them to, and now they are miserable or at least not nearly as happy as they might have been otherwise. I realize, there’s a lot of accidents out there — and they happen — and plenty of people who thought they would never want a kid, but once they did, they love it. But there’s plenty of folks who took the leap for bad reasons. And plenty more who will do so in the future.
I’d like to tell all these folks — you don’t have to have a kid.
The second group is parents who already have a child, thought it would be all roses and sunshine farts, and have found out that parenting and child-rearing is tough, thankless, and really cramping their style or patience. And yet – YET — despite this personal hell that they’ve created, they want to have MORE! What the hell!? You mean you haven’t had enough of pulling out your hair, feeling like a piece of microwaved crap, or having to grip onto your wine glass tightly to avoid mentally cracking? Usually this is a result of — you guessed it! Peer pressure. Everyone else has two kids, so we should, too. Or: “I love being pregnant!” “I love babies, just not toddlers.” Or any other mind-bendingly stupid sentiment.
Get a reality check, folks — you don’t have to have a kid. Or another one.
I am not anti-children, nor am I anti-parents. And I fully appreciate that some parents are simply uncertain until they actually DO it and then they are lovely and wonderful and their kids are awesome. I’m not trying to discourage people who are simply scared of making that leap and aren’t sure how they will do — heck, I shat myself daily until I got into fatherhood and realized I could actually do it and that I really, truly did love it.
I am encouraging those folk out there who, in their heart of hearts, really know that they should never be parents — it just doesn’t suit them — or those parents that have found out that it’s not all that it’s cracked up to be to simply Think. Consider. Ponder. And make the right decision, no matter what anyone else says. Do the best for you and for your children, conceived or unconceived, and make the right choice, not just the popular one.
I, at least, am on your side. Because you don’t have to have a kid unless you really want to.
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High five, nice post Nathan!
I knew at 16 years old that I didn’t want to have kids. I was also uneducated about oral contraceptives, I was raised Catholic and when I was 17, the condom broke. 22 years later, I have a 22 year old and a 7 year old. I know it sounds strange, but I have only recently “fallen in love” with being Evan’s (my younger son) parent. Carl, on the other hand, was the child of my youth and grew up right along with me. We have a very special relationship because of that. I won’t lie, my oldest boy had it much, much harder than my younger one. Much counselling was involved over the course of years. He has turned out pretty well, I have to say, no drugs, no crime, and a conscience.
Anyhow, I could go on for a very long time…but I’ll just sum up with “Excellent post, very, very true. Childless by choice is FINE.”
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Especially for people who are around my age and use FB a lot, there is a lot of publicized peer pressure on “keeping up with the Joneses”. My friends are getting engaged monthly, friends are getting married left and right, a lot of people I knew in high school have CHILDREN. Not just one. Two. It’s like..Oh, hi, I’m still working on my associates and my boyfriend and I haven’t even talked about marriage and I don’t think I want kids because I feel there’s too much I want to do for myself”. And everyone just brushes it off and says “You willllll!” in that knowing voice. Even my mom
It’s the abnormal thing to not want kids. Even people who I thought would never have them or said they didn’t want them HAD them. I see some people my age not able to enjoy a lot of their early twenties because of having kids too fast and too soon. Not to say there’s a set time to have kids, but I know there was some pressure there. Pressure from family or pressure from society telling us all that having this life is NORMAL and it will fix all your problems. Don’t feel loved enough? Have a kid!
To make it clear, just because I don’t want children doesn’t mean I don’t like them. I think that’s the impression people get when they hear about “CHILDLESS COUPLES”. Childless. Like it’s something those couples are missing out on. Like they don’t have the goods. But I don’t hate kids just because I don’t think I want any. I think most kids are pretty smart and sometimes interesting to talk to. They can be cute. But they can also be a nightmare. I’m just not equipped to be a parent. I’ve always doubted it. I don’t know if I will ever feel confident enough. There’s a fear of making a mistake, or regretting the child and taking it out on them. I’m terrified of that. I don’t want to ruin my kid’s life or mine, by regret and poor planning.
But yeah. The social pressure is definitely there. Even my boyfriend, who I hear audibly sigh with irritation when he hears a temper tantrum, seems like he’s thought about having kids…and I know he’s terrified of being a father, too. I just don’t get why people are pressured into having this life. Why can’t a married couple or even a single person, just live the life they want, for themselves, if they so choose? There is no one as selfless as a good parent, and their love for their children amazes and astounds me, but I’m too unsure of myself and what I want out of life.
Just now, literally, my friend IMd me and said ANOTHER FRIEND GOT ENGAGED. See? Now I have to go mope and log on to Macy’s and fantasize about napkin rings and cutlery.
AMEN!
thanks for writing this. i agree wholeheartedly, and i consider the money i spent for my vasectomy to be the best investment i ever made.
Whoa. I would ask what prompted this, but with you, sometimes you don’t need prompting, and I love it.
This is another of your posts that has me thinking, because although I’m sure you aren’t alone in this opinion, there are few who would voice it. And you HAVE a kid and I know you and Yolanda love him dearly. Like Marie, a lot of my high school friends have a kid (or several) and my younger friends (mainly church friends) are on kid #2.
It’s hard sometimes, almost like you have to convince people that you and your partner are happy together. Just the two of you. Nothing missing. Some women might have a five year plan that involves kids by X date, but I’m not one of them. And, as an article I read recently pointed out, women spend a great deal of time making sure they DON”T get pregnant – and then can’t when they actually want to. Ugh, and someone at a party I just went to called us DINKs. Which we are, I guess, but it bugs me that he put it that way. It’s almost as bad a phrase as “childless by choice.”
OK I’m going to wrap this up. Thanks for the great post, Nathan.
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Like many of you, Marie/Julia, I definitely think that we should change some attitudes and terminology. I would like to see folks not consider the child/childless aspect of a couple as a feature of them and having such inane acronyms such as DINK (I guess that makes us a SIOK couple or something) to group people blindly. I mean, I think kids are great, but I think no kids are great, too. There’s a buttload of benefits to both sides, and I’m often envious of those couples that don’t have kids because, in some ways, they get many more freedoms than us, although I’d never give up my son in a million years. Grass is greener, eh?
Stacey, thanks for being honest about how you felt your parenting life has gone and that it’s not all roses and happy toilet spray. I suspect it’s more common to not naturally slide into being a parent but having to ‘make do’ with the situation instead, and you’ve done very well with your kids.
Not only is the pressure out there to have kids, but to get married and before you “get too old”. I’m 28 and not married and I actually had a farmer tell me, “You’re not getting any younger, you know?” Well, no crap! There is an equal amount of pressure from society to be married. You have until 27 until people start to get nervous, but by 30 (if you’re not married) you are doomed! REALLY?? I like to believe that I am worthy of someone who will love me for me and WANT to be with me, not get married becasue society says we have to. I WANT to be married, I WANT kids, but I also believe that all of this will come to me when the time is right for me, not society!
See now I don’t find “childless by choice” an offensive phrase at all. It’s what I would term myself if things had turned out that way. I think it’s a good phrase that tells people to mind their own business, this is a personal choice I’ve made and your comments and opinions are not welcome.
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At least most of the people in your target audience for this post are giving the matter some thought. How about those morons who just keep having kids because they have nothing better to do? Yes, I said “morons.” Ho ho ho, damnit.
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Niche: ROTFLMAO. Srsly.
I have a distant relative who actually had a 2nd child only because she found out how much her WIC and food stamp $$ would go up, Yes Niche, that’s a moron. Now, she’s had a 3rd and if it was a boy, she was willing to give away her 2nd child (also a boy) to a relative cause she didn’t NEED 2 boys!!!!!