Awhile ago, my wife and I had a conversation about what to call various people that our kid will come in contact with. Of course, we have the obvious: Grandpa, Grandma, Aunt Katy, etc.  We have some difficulty in deciding the relationship of all the step-parents/SOs to our child as well, but we’ll have to sort that out in the long run, I guess.  The not-so-obvious are the friends of ours that are close to us and will be exposed to our kid a lot, as well as the other people in our lives, both strangers and acquaintances.
It was at this point that my wife surprised me. Now, it’s not that she doesn’t do this on a regular basis anyway — I married her partially for the suspense of it all — but on this particular subject she trumped my ideas of formality with even more.
I was raised calling my aunts and uncles by their first names, something they were perfectly comfortable with (and still are) but something that always felt a bit odd to me, so I had already decided that I would teach my kids to use the formal title, “Aunt” and “Uncle”, when referring to those relatives.
Friends of my parents I sometimes called by their names, sometimes by a more formal title such as “Mr” or “Mrs”, but it really depended. I figured a similar scheme would be used for my child, but my wife doesn’t think this way — she prefers that more formality be used for addressing adults by children, and she thinks that our friends should be called “Aunt” (or “Auntie”) and “Uncle”, not because they are necessarily of that relation, but because it shows respect for closer adults in the kid’s life.
I was pretty shocked, given how relaxed Australians tend to be on most things, but perhaps some of the more formal British attitude has stuck with the South Australians and hence this thought. Then again, maybe all Aussies have this way of thinking on this subject (I haven’t really canvassed the neighborhood).
I love the idea, personally. I’ve always thought that, in many ways, there’s less formality when it comes to the younger generation addressing the older. I’ve always been of the opinion (and was raised to think) that more formality is always preferable to less, and nobody will ever hate you for doing so. If an adult gives you their permission to call them something else — “Oh, just call me John” — then the child is welcome to do so; otherwise, the title should be used without fail.
This is just the start, of course — I expect that my children will use polite terms, speak with respect and honor to their betters, and know their place in a conversation without being stifled. There’s not much more that can rile up my wife and I but to hear a child smartmouthing an adult, and my children will certainly do none of that. Calling someone the proper name is just a good beginning down the road of being a good, polite person.
So, I think we’re generally agreed that close friends will be addressed as above and others will probably be called “Mr”, “Ms”, or “Mrs”, as necessary. I think it adds a much needed distinction on the relationship between our child and the person, acknowledging the wisdom of experience and age. It also follows the traditions of many other cultures that use more formal addresses between ages than Americans or even Australians, even to the point of reworking how you phrase a sentence.
The example I always hearken back to is the Spanish language, which uses a formal version of the word, “you”, when talking to elders and other respected people. ¿Cómo estás? says, “How are you?” in an informal way, but ¿Cómo está usted? would be used for the more formal address, the conjugation of the verb into the formal tense and the addition of the formal “you” (usted) making the same meaning that much more proper.
In a world that is becoming increasingly more relaxed on many aspects of life, are we expecting too much of our child? I always wonder if we’ll be labeled hardasses (on this and other points), not that it’s going to stop me, but it’ll be interesting to see the reactions from others. Anyone out there got an opinion on this? If nothing else, I’ll expect our children to deliver some respect back into the world, no matter what others are doing on the subject. I think that’s only correct.
I got to play “Auntie Courtney” all weekend to my favorite non-related baby. He’s my best friend’s son and I’m Auntie while my husband is Uncle Derek. I think it’s neat because it shows that I’m important and that I might as well be considered family. I’ll do the same thing when we have children.
Respect for other adults is something that I also will be very big on when we have children. It’s hard to find something that bothers me more than disrepect.
Think we had this conversation when you guys were over, but yes, titles were titles are due, Auntie and Uncles for Aunties and Uncles and all adults be called Mr, Mrs, Miss unless that adult, Dad or me otherwise tells you so. And old habits die hard I can tell you. I still find myself calling my old teachers Mrs and Mr even after numerous times of them telling me to use their first name. My daughter is now getting tutored by my old principle and when ever I see him I still call him Mr Slater. But it definitely never hurt me and it taught me right from the start about respecting my elders and where everyone’s place is.
But saying that everyone is different, I have friends who get their children to call me Auntie Bec. I don’t jump down their throat and disagree, its a parents choice, and on the occasion my kids have picked up on it, when we leave I explain about this subject, so their is no confusion.
Anyway that’s my view, out of the millions out there
Hi! I found you through Courtney as she mentioned you helped her out…and I’m nosey! But your post intrigued me.
I was brought up to call close friends Aunt and Uncle…the strange bit was I never knew my parents family till I was much older
mainly as we lived in Canada and they lived in England. But I agree…When I have kids it will be Auntie and Uncle and Mr. and Miss, Mrs. and Sir!
Possibly old fashioned I know but I think it’s great. I love it when my friends have their kids call me auntie…it lets me know i’m close to them. I was never confused when I was a kid about who my family were and who were good friends.
Thanks for helping Courtney out!
Teaching children to respect and honor their extended family will give them a distinct advantage as young adults in a society that often lacks respect!
I still call my friend’s parents Mr. or Mrs. and my mom and
It was awkward.
dad’s siblings are aunt and uncle, no matter how old I get.
I was raised to not address adults by
their first names and when I started work at 14 I had a hard time
calling my bosses by their first names
My mom gets irate when she hears children calling adults by their
first names I think it is disrespectful and too casual. Now if the
adult tells the kid what to call him or her, that’s fine but
manners come first.
It is very hard for me being married to someone from the north. In the south, we call everyone Mr. or Mrs. if they are older (and it doesn’t have to be by much). I also grew up calling close family friends Aunt and Uncle, which confuses my children a lot. I like the sentiment (being able to choose “family” members). My girls call my best friend Aunt Paula and another Aunt Tammy. THey are just now finding out that they aren’t REALLY related.
When I owned my school, the children called all the teachers by their first names, but added MS. or Mr. to the front. I always liked that, and never understood having to call a teacher by their last name. Respect, in my humble opinion, is earned not at title.
In Sweden, no one is called Mr. or Mrs. (Even bosses are called by their given first names.) My eight year old calls her teacher by her first name. It doesn’t make her respect her teacher any less, it’s just a little weird for mom.
Whatever you allow your children to call people in their lives, in the end, doesn’t matter as much as the love that is shown to them. You guys will be GREAT parents. Sit back and enjoy the ride, just remember it can be quite bumpy…wear a seatbelt!
I agree this is difficult, we are coming to an age in Logan (3 and a half) where he is starting to remember people on a long term basis — our close friends that he sees all the time he just calls them by their first names. His teachers he calls Miss, or Mr. —
The biggest challenge for us is his Godparents — we don’t see them enough right now where he knows them VERY well, but do we call them Uncle or Aunt? Godmom, or Godmother? Or just use their first name?
I think at this point, having him remember to say please, thank you, excuse me, things like that are bigger issues. But it will come and whatever feels the most comfortable will be what you will go with. But be prepared to have your name changed to _____’s dad.
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