Dear Lilac Bush in the back yard by the burn barrel,

I, and no doubt many others in this area of the country, appreciate your overwhelming optimism and unbridled enthusiasm at the prospect of upcoming warm weather and copious amounts of sunshine.

I do, however, question the depth of your judgement at already having put forth the effort to crack out giant buds on the ends of your branches. A bit early in the season, perhaps? Maybe you’ve overlooked the fact that, not a dozen feet away, the lawn is currently buried in five fucking feet of snow such that when I tread upon it, I am now standing level with the top of the picnic table.

This does not bode well for your success.

I only say this out of love and concern for your well-being. I am as encouraged by the brief teasings of weather as you are, but you don’t see me sticking my willy out in it just yet, do you?

I highly recommend instead a Disney vacation and a return to local climes somewhere around mid-April.

Cordially yours,

Nathan