I have to sincerely admit that it baffles me as to why some people enjoy super-hot food — as in, super-spicy hot.    You know the kind, the mouth-burning, eye-watering, throat-closing kind of food that comes marked with a biohazard symbol and is served by a guy in full protective gear and moonboots.      People who enjoy this fall into one of two categories — they either spend the entire meal spluttering and breathing heavily whilst gulping down huge amounts of bread and milk, or they sit there with a smug, shit-eating grin on their face as if to say, “I’m simply better than you because I can sear my insides to a crisp and not flinch a muscle.”

Don’t get me wrong — I like spicy food as much as the next guy, and I’m even fond of “hot” foods from time to time, depending on what it is.    What I cannot stand is the food that is SO hot that you simply cannot taste it because it’s 108% pain and -0.01% flavor.   At that point, my culinary brain throws its hands on its hips and goes, “Ok, this isn’t a food experience, it’s a form of legal and willing torture.   This is supremely idiotic.”

I routinely watch a show on PBS called, “Primal Grill“, hosted by Steve Raichlen who is to grilling as Bob Ross was to painting.   His voice and delivery is smooth and engaging and his hairstyle mostly matches.    The show is all about grilling various foods and he leads you through a wide array of dishes with a seemingly neverending array of barbeques.    The man must have a backyard the size of Montana, because he’ll be like, “Ok, we’re going to put this Southeastern Red-Titted Mongoose on a Number 3 double-wishbone snicker-snak and put it on our German-style ceramic chia pet grill for classic indirect direct grilling with rosewood soaked in Buddha’s sweat for smoke flavor.”     If I had all the implements necessary to make his dishes, I’d get kicked out of the house for taking up all the space.

At any rate, Steve LOVES his hot food.    The phrase that really grabbed me the other day, though, was, “One for mild, two for medium, three for extreme, and four for Primal Grill style.”    In other words, hot enough make lava run off whimpering.

What the hell?   What did those baby backs ever do to you? I just…don’t get it.   I like to taste food when I eat, not think I’m being flayed from the inside out.   Anyone with me on this?