It’s amazing what some people have in their closets.

History is the process of looking back to see where we’ve been, what choices we made at the time, and how we have progressed since. The look backwards isn’t always entertaining or amusing, but it’s almost always interesting.

My maternal grandparents moved to the nursing home probably 2 years ago or so and the kids and grandkids emptied out the house and got it ready for sale. In the process, we gleaned anything that we thought valuable or worth keeping. I managed to grab a huge pile of books, papers, magazines, etc. and stuff them all in a box and take them with me. Last night, I got the time to go through it a bit.

Wow, some of this stuff is hilarious.

So, here for your viewing pleasure, are some of my favorite things found while rummaging around:

This Would Sell for a Lot in New York:

There were a lot of coloring books, dot-to-dots, and crosswords in the stack. This particular work of art is by yours truly back in 1986 when I was all of the ripe and creative age of nine. I still feel that red tuxes with orange pants and yellow undershirts would make a good impression on the illusion-starved public.

High School Sexual Deviants:

Don’t these two kids look pleasant and well-behaved? Who would suspect that while they are sitting there in all their conservative finery that deviant lustful thoughts are plaguing their loins?

I found this article, entitled, “Limits of Love” by Walter A. Trobisch, in a conservative religious periodical (Dec-Jan 1971-72 issue) that was stuffed in between various magazines. It was, of course, dealing with the huge problem (!) of premarital sex and all of the complications thereof. Here are some of the more, uh, enlightening quotes:

In regards to the ‘wrong’ kind of love being expressed by liberal viewpoints: “Is it not love, they ask, to train sex by encouraging masturbation and even homosexual relations among teen-agers?” I don’t know about you, but I’m not sure I ever had anyone in high school or otherwise encourage me to flog the dolphin. Can you imagine the cheering squad? “Rough ‘em up, rough ‘em up, WAAAAAY UP!” And how do you train for sex by having homosexual relations? I wish I was taking this out of context to make it funny, but really — this is the context.

In regards to teaching and informing about contraception: “One girl said, ‘If I’d take pills regularly, calculatingly, in anticipation of a possible sex adventure, I’d feel like a prostitute.’” Yes, you’re a filthy little whore, aren’t you, taking those birth control pills. I’ll bet you’re just spreading them for everyone.

In regards to menstruation education and why I’m glad we’re not draconian anymore: “Why didn’t anyone talk to me in a concrete way? When I had my first period, all my mother said to me was ‘Be careful. Don’t make anything dirty!’”

And finally, probably one of the more hilarious of passages, the conversation between a pastor and a dumb blonde ‘sinner’, on giving up her cherry to her dipwick of a boyfriend:

Girl: “I can’t understand it,” she said. “I didn’t want it, but he did. And when I gave in, he lost interest. For him it was the end. For me it was the beginning. Can’t he understand that?”
Pastor: “No, Karin, he can’t.”
Girl: “Why not?”
Pastor: “Because he’s a boy and you’re a girl.”

I’m serious, folks. You simply can’t make this shit up.

Children’s Magazines Never Had it So Good

Let’s move on to a publication entitled, Highlights: The Monthly Book for Children. You’ve probably seen copies of this in doctors’ offices; they’re still around and kicking, although the 1967-69 editions are vastly different than today’s watered-down trite. I have about 15 copies of this magazine and it’s quite fascinating to page through.

Goofus is as Goofus Does:

The first example on the left is of a regular article entitled, “Goofus and Gallant”, which is about two polar-opposite boys that have attitudes like their names might indicate. (I know…it’s subtle, isn’t it?) Goofus does something and does it in a crappy, whiny way, and Gallant does the same thing but comes out smelling like roses.

I’m sure the intent was to try to instill in children a sense of good and proper behavior, but it comes out very funny today. Perhaps some updated examples would be better: “Goofus backs out on a deal and gets a cap in his ass. Gallant realizes he has dishonored his sensai and commits hari-kari.”

Pure Chemical Manufacture in Your Own Kitchen:

Another great feature in the last 60s of Highlights are the horribly useful articles about things that you just can’t find in modern children’s magazines, such as this article on how to make fucking hydrogen.

Yes, as in the incredibly light gas that blew up the Hindinburg and powers the Space Shuttle. As in the gas that burns with a *BOOM!* very easily. I made hydrogen in Science Club once using mossy zinc and 12 molar hydrochloric acid and lost most of the hair off one arm when igniting it out of a test tube. But hey, kids — you can do this at home!

This experiment has relatively harmless ingredients — a balloon filled with galvanized nails and vinegar to produce the hydrogen. This is in sharp contrast to:

Making Oxygen!

“Question: I would like to make some oxygen. Can you tell me how?” starts this article. From what I can tell, no subject is off-limits in 1966. I could have written in and asked, “My friends heard about meth on the street. Can you tell me how to make some?” and our friendly scientist author would be happy to show you how to mix common household ingredients together for fun and profit.

I love the billing of this article, too: “A kitchen experiment for the whole family.” C’mon, kids! Let’s go make oxygen! Gee, Dad, that’d be swell!

The really great part is where he describes how to get the catalyst for extracting oxygen from hydrogen peroxide. You have to find some manganese dioxide which, apparently, is easily obtained from batteries. “The best way to open it up is with an old-fashioned can opener. Or you may just put the battery on a rock and squash it open with a hammer….And we must tell your mother what we are going to do. We would like to use her kitchen sink and we will need her help later on.”

Yeah, no kidding — like to wash out our eyes and douse our acid-burned fingers under running water. As you can see in the above picture, it gets even better as they suggest the best way to test to make sure it really is oxygen (you never know — could be Calvin Klein) is to stick a glowing stick into a bottle of the stuff. Fun. Shit.

Cheap House:

One of the books in the pile is a 1971 reproduction of the 1908 Sears and Roebuck Catalog, “The Great Price Maker”. Full of a myriad of horrifically cheap and useful items, some of the most interesting pages are the ones where entire houses are sold — plans, materials, everything. The house pictured on the left is a 4-bedroom, 9-room concrete block house for only $1,995.00! Talk about your real estate markets.

Hair, Hair, Everywhere:

And, remember folks, hair is your chance to “Sound Off” against The Man. By the look of this guy, he’s done a lot of this in his time.
Published in “Current Events” by AEP Periodicals, November 20, 1968

Tricky Dicky:
Knowing what ended up happening with Nixon and Agnew in the end probably doesn’t help my perceptions at all, but do they look devious to start with, or is it just me?

Current Events article “Nixon-Agnew Team Prepares to Govern Nation” published Nov. 13, 1968.

Other great articles from this publication: “Russians Try to Regain Support of Other Reds” and “O.J. Simpson – News Maker” (O.J. started at USC in 1967)

Do the Moonwalk:

Yes, some day I might walk on the moon, but not if NASA keeps getting budget cuts. (Highlights, sometime in 1968.)

I want to be a Drug Addict:

This is a bit of a neat find — my grandmother’s Graduation Booklet. Apparently it was tradition when you graduated high school to write your name in various peoples’ books and to say how you were going to leave your mark on the world. The various career choices amuse me. (She graduated in 1939 at age 17.)

Read on, read on, my son:

Inside this grade school reader, published in 1901, was this picture. There’s nothing so grand about the image in and of itself, but take a look at the caption (click to enlarge the photo):

Dick? Why do I have a hard time believing that the guy’s name is ‘Dick’? ‘Xavier’ or ‘Andrew’ or ‘John’ or even ‘Richard’ I can believe, but Dick? And what are these three men doing, anyway? Hanging out, reading to each other? Is that proper? Do you have to wear your good wig for such an occasion?

Are you there God? It’s Me, the Neighbor Kid:

Inside this all-German book (entitled: “Gretes Lelebuch (?) fur Evangelisch-Lutherische Schulen”) I found this image. My grandfather wrote the translation below it as, “Let the little ones come to me,” but if you had to write what the children were thinking at the time, I’d probably say something like, “Holy shit, it’s JESUS!” (Copyright 1901)

In Conclusion:

Finally, thanks to an old children’s storybook, I have a whole new image to use when I want to tell you all to Kiss My Ass: