What a deal!

I went on a coupon shopping trip today.   I armed myself with a fistful of carefully prepared bargains, braced myself for the inevitable waves of dirty miscreants, and entered Wal-Mart with one intention in mind: Savings!

A great deal of you probably have your hands out right now, demanding that I hand my Man Card back in to be unceremoniously recycled into confetti, but hear me out!   Times have changed, technology has progressed, and this ain’t your grandmother’s coupon book anymore.

I can also hear a whole bunch of you saying, “Geez, man, where have you been?   This is old news!”   (Yes, I’m looking at you, Stacey.   Don’t piss me off, lady, I got yer number. So I’m not the first to discover this underutilized resource — shoot me — but suffer me for a moment while I expound on it, eh?

To alleviate the fears of those out there who now envision me, curls in hair, stockings over leggings, smokin’ a Marly and pushing a wobbly cart through the bra section of Wallyworld, let me paint for you the picture I’ve developed for myself on how to do this ‘coupon thing’ and still retain your masculinity in a soccer mom world –

Nathan’s No B.S. Coupon Policy

1.   Don’t screw around trying to get the damned things. — It used to be that in order to come across a plethora of good coupons and deals, the person responsible for the weekly trips to Hell would have to sit for hours at a table, armed with Fiskars, pouring over the Sunday paper and every one in between just to glean a few crappy, “30¢ off a sloppy-beef tostada” coupons before collapsing into a heap and promising to get together with neighbors the next day to swap collections.

These days, a computer, a printer, and a sense of, ‘ah ha!’ is about all you need to successfully make it in the coupon world.  Sites like The Krazy Coupon Lady, Coupons.com, Smartsource, and others make finding and printing these things a cinch. It’s so easy it’s guaranteed you’ll spend more time searching for female celebrities in thin shirts and cold weather than you will for your weekly grocery-run.    Time is money and/or sitting on your ass drinking beer and watching tube.   Keep it in perspective and exploit the tech.

2.  Not every thing that claims it’s a deal really IS a deal. — I don’t mess around with anything less than 50¢ off and it’d better be pretty specific or cheap if I go below $1.   Anything less and I’ve just burned up my time, energy, gas, toner, and sanity trying to squeeze a penny.    Using a coupon on a brand-name item to bring it down to a price that’s still above a comparable generic is also stupid — you’re NOT saving money, you’re just blowing less of it.   Repeat after me, “Most Coupons Are Not Worth It”.   The one part of this that actually does take some work involves winnowing out the chaff and picking out the really sweet, wheat deals that you can be proud of.   But that’s kinda fun.

3.  Having to buy multiples to just use a coupon is almost always a lose-lose. — Sometimes you can make this work to your advantage, but you have to do the math.   For instance, tonight I used a, “Buy 4, get 75¢ off” on some cans that were 60 cents each, so that’s a good deal, and it’s something we use all the time.   But most of the time, once you add in the amount of money you have to spend FIRST to get the item, especially if you won’t use it or won’t use it much, it’s a screw.

4.  Buying stupid, worthless crap because of a coupon is idiotic. — Occasionally I’ll buy something I wouldn’t have normally or upgrade from generic to brand name if I have a coupon, but it’s almost always a trap.   You don’t like kumquats, you wouldn’t have the first faint idea on what to DO with a kumquat, so why waste the $4 just because you have a 2-for-1 coupon?  Don’t be a moron.   Buy what you normally buy and wait for the coupons to appear for those things.

5.  Be Thee Armed and Prepared.  — When you enter the store, have your weapons (coupons) organized by section and ready to check.   Don’t screw around with walking up and down the aisles, seeing what else is on sale — remember, you’re here on a mission.   Avoid distraction.    Don’t spend too much time — if the deal isn’t apparent, move on.   If you have to do calculus to figure out your savings, ditch it.   Be cutthroat and ruthless.

6.  No matter what, coupons are still Marketing; Caveat Emptor. – Remember that stores and manufacturer’s aren’t doing this out of the goodness of their heart.    They are out to get you to buy in some form, fashion, or otherwise, so keep your thinking cap on and your gun cocked because you never know when they’ll try to get sneaky.   You can game the system to your advantage, but you have to stay alert — saving $15 on your bill when you’ve just bought $300 worth of shit means you still paid out $285 for a cartload of crap.   Don’t be a dumbass.

In conclusion, you CAN be a man and still use coupons successfully and without feeling like you’re entering into a world of Better Homes and Garbage.   While printing and cutting out coupons hasn’t made me rich, allowed me to afford a yacht, or paved the way to get laid by a girl made entirely of breasts, it has enabled me to shave off some money on regular items we get and that feels pretty damned good at the end of the register, and when was the last time a bill total made you feel good?

Each workday I drive about 45 minutes each way on my commute, through the back roads and verdant fields of Iowa.

It is, to say, nothing short of insanely boring.

Technology to the rescue, as I have found that an excellent way of spending my time is listening to various podcasts on my iPod Nano.   Not only does it distract me while I whiz along the same paths day-in, day-out, but I am learning an awful lot as a secondary consequence.    Who knew that a commute could be so educational?

Background on this Point:

One of the best podcasts I listen to is NPR’s Planet Money, a financial-oriented show intent on demystifying the greater market news and trends and explaining what is behind the numbers in the financial sector.    The staff clearly spends an enormous amount of time researching the topics presented and deciphering them into terms that those of us, like myself, who are not bound to the financial sector can still understand what’s going on.

And there’s nothing like a financial crisis in your country to suddenly make talk of the stock markets, mortgages, and other such subjects normally considered to be fairly dry to be rendered exciting, interesting, and downright frustrating.   I have to say I have a newfound fascination with the industry that I simply wouldn’t have without PM.

Recently PM’s correspondant Adam Davidson had the chance to sit down for an interview with Tim Geithner, the Secretary of the Treasury and arguably one of the most powerful men in the American financial system today, given how much the markets are hanging on his every word and action.   In the interview, Geithner maintained a very tight to-the-message game and didn’t reveal much, but when pressed about the possibility of nationalization, came up with the response that, “that strategy” (he wouldn’t say the word) wouldn’t work for the American economy, thus indicating that it’s not an option the are considering seriously.

The Point Itself:

After listening to all the analysis of the market status, why nationalization is good or not good,  the incredible insanity of AIG, and Geither’s zig-zag interview with Adam, I wonder — maybe they don’t have a plan at all?

I mean, I know they have a plan — clearly, they haven’t been sitting there doing nothing.    But at the same time, the system is so *incredibly* complex and diverse, what’s the chance that they’re taking a road that is both politically beneficial and one that simply is stalling to let the market take hold?

There’s a good chance that given the risky investments and investments using investment money that the bigger banks are truly insolvent (worth nothing) or pretty darn close to it.  Bolstering up banks and institutions that are probably near insolvent or completely insolvent is a bad idea because it’s a horrific waste of money on something that will ultimately never pay back the value — you are essentially dumping cash down a big drain and hoping that some of it sticks and plugs the hole eventually.   But what it DOES accomplish is that it lets these failing banks and insurance companies down S-L-O-W-L-Y.    It’s one thing to pull the rug out and let everything crash to the floor, but it’s a completely different idea to let it gently roll down a ramp to the bottom.

The thought has emerged in my head that perhaps, at the end of the day, Geithner and the others have identified this as a freight train that they cannot stop quickly, but they can apply the brakes and hope that when it plows into the cars on the track it doesn’t take them out too badly.    In the meantime, the market is sorting itself out as it always does — the stocks are dropping, companies are folding, unemployment rising, prices falling — all things that would probably happen anyway if they either nationalized or completely backed away, but in this fashion, it’s allowed to die in a controlled manner, so to speak.

At some point, we’ll hit a bottom (who knows where, of course) and when that happens, the banks may or may not still exist but there’s nowhere for the market to go but up — and Geithner & Company are probably banking on the mortgages and securities coming back to at least a high percentage of the original value.

Politically, they can say that they tried, and if the plans fail, then an excuse will suffice to cover them — the bailout monies were misappropriated or the management corrupt or they underestimated the situation — any number of reasons for going tits-up.    If it works, and the system is saved from the freefall and the markets recover, they come out as the victors.    Either way, they don’t come out too badly.

Your Thoughts?

There is obviously no clear answer to the financial crisis issue and the flailings of the government and the private sector are starting to take on qualities that would be insanely amusing if they weren’t so incredibly disturbing.    But what’s the chance that the only way out of this is simply a graceful crash?

Down She Goes!

Obviously there’s been a lot of talk lately about this whole economic stimulus package that is trying to be passed here in the United States, but other countries have now started to add in their own versions — the UK, Australia, Iceland (bad luck there, dudes), and others.   It’s all in the name of trying to get things back to “normal”, where that is indicated by more people making money and doing well than not.   And right now, most of us are either starting to falter, have stumbled, or are flat on our faces and sizing up where, exactly, we would put the KitchenAid in the cardboard box.

I’ve thought a lot about this entire idea of the stimulus, have listened religiously to NPR’s Planet Money podcasts concerning various opinions and analysis, and have thought about my own situation as well as that of others.    Despite recent polls indicating that support for the bill is falling amongst Americans, I still feel it’s a good idea, but the manner in how to go about it is the tricky part.

Tax relief?   Good.   Tax credits?   Not bad, but harder to see right away.   Infrastructure spending?   Great for the long term if done right, huge sinkhole of a money pit if done wrong.     The sides on that one are pretty slippery, too, I’m afraid.   Corporate tax cuts?   Uhm…didn’t we try that one already?  Yeah, it didn’t work.

I think the hardest part for everyone is quantifying what, exactly, is going to happen that will concern us, personally.   I mean…I’m big enough and smart enough to look at the whole picture.    I very well know that infrastructure spending, while a slow, long-haul poke in the ass of the economy, will ultimately make us a better country and we’ll be glad we did it in, say, 5 to 10 years.    But to be honest, RIGHT NOW, it doesn’t mean Jack M. Squat to me in terms of my day-to-day needs and necessities.

Giving me more money to take home is a great way to say, “Perk up!  Stimulate the economy!”    But that depends on how much it is.    $50 a paycheck isn’t going to go much farther than things do now, and I’m likely to look at that and think, “Well, I could…uh….buy another case of ramen??” whereas a significantly larger amount, say, $300, is another car payment, or mortgage boost, or a debt payment, or….there’s a lot more options for that kind of cash than a five-0h carries.

It also matters in terms of where I am versus where others are.     I still have a good, decent-paying job, and feel secure that I won’t be gone anytime soon (although nobody feels 100% secure and, rightly so).    There are tons of folks out there, however (and getting worse every day), that aren’t emloyed or at least not enough, and they’re looking at the stimulus package in a whole different light, more as a savior to impossible conditions rather than a boost.

I’m certainly not of the opinion that everyone should get a huge handout.   For one, in such a situation, you HAVE to have some people on the rocks, some business failing, and some jobs lost and so forth, otherwise nobody has motivation and the system becomes a welfare state and not an opportunistic one.    BUT, that all being said, it makes sense that we’d try to at least keep the majority of folks in good shape when possible.

What do I need?   Well, if I have to be completely selfish, here’s what MY stimulus would look like:

• More take-home money in the paycheck, of a significant amount.    Iowa, take back your silly agricultural taxes (god, state taxes here are stupid-high), and federal, ease up a bit.   I’m happy to pay for roads, but — honestly.
• Debt relief in the form of lower interest rates and longer pay periods.    Don’t know what government could do about that, but making things stretch out would sure be handy.   I’m happy enough to pay off my debts, but making it easier to buy groceries would be really kickass.
• Offer the option to have a forbearance on student loan payments for a year.    Look, I’m in it till 2021 right now;  I’m not in a hurry, so…can I just take a year off?   Charge me interest if you will, but let me forget about that one for a bit, hrm?   They’re so…annoying.
• Since I’m one of those who has a house that I can actually pay for and afford, make it easy to get monies or credits for improving our properties.   Not only will we get more efficiency, but we’ll see urban renewal, and that has to be a positive.

Really, in a nutshell, those are the things that will matter to me most, given my situation and place in life right now.     I’ll probably get a few of those things, but doubtful if I’ll get them all.

Now it’s YOUR turn — tell us what would stimulate you and why it would make a big difference in your life.    If we’re lucky, a Senator’s reading this right now.