Whilst Moore’s Law has whisked people away in a frenzy of computer technology improvements on a continuing basis, there’s one appliance in life that could use with a bit of innovation:

The Toilet

Really, I don’t think I’m being unreasonable when I say I have some demands on this lowest of household fixtures. By now we should have some damned good technology to incorporate into these beasts and yet, day after day, we sit on the old standard crapper. Usually white, sometimes sporting a black hat, sometimes with autoflush, but in the end, just a plain old porcelain shitcan. It’s time to bring this repository of waste into the 21st century. I propose ideas such as the following:

• AutoFlush – Sure, autoflush is already a nice feature and can be found in many public places, but how about home toilets? I’d wager that parents of children would really appreciate that — no more yelling at Billy to send his aquatic Tootsie Roll on its way to the big candyjar in the sky. Older adults should appreciate that, too, as they struggle to just use the facilities, let alone attempt to twist around to empty the donation basket.
• Anticipatory Flushing – Toilets should be able to weigh their contents and attempt to judge when the maximum load is being approached. When this happens, they can give an “anticipatory” flush to send a 2-part load down the drain in neat order instead of trying to shove it all down the drain in one big go. This would save tons of plunging and swearing.
• Courtesy Flushing – Everyone knows that a silent public bathroom is an unproductive one. Excretion organs freeze in the delicate quiet, each person attempting to make as little noise as possible because someone might hear them. Thus, nobody gets any serious work done on the throne because they are all trying to be delicate about releasing the Mexican burritofest leftovers from their lower colons. Thus, toilets should be networked and maintain a status check between all of them — if no flushes or productive weight has been added to their hoppers recently, yet they are cradling some buttcheeks, a toilet should give a “courtesy flush”, providing the necessary noise to mask the explosions short to follow afterwards. The seat could even vibrate to warn its user (if it was occupied) that it was about to execute a flush and to not be startled.
• Scent Masking – The toilet should be able to determine who sat down and then release, discretely, a puff of freshener from an orifice to help overcome the noxious gas being emitted. While it might seem odd to emit “new car” each time you go to do some reading, at least it’s better than sniffing processed black bean lasagna.
• Heated Seats – Really, if it can be found on a Cadillac, it should be standard equipment on an American Standard. This would greatly reduce yelps of surprise when attempting the white mountain in the winter.
• Side Hand Grips – The purpose of these is two-fold: One, it provides a convenient way to hang on in case it is a bumpy ride that day. Two, for those uber-party events (common at universities and so forth), it would help greatly with the worshipping of the porcelain god. Comfort and convenience, people.
• Power Flushing – This is a big bone of mine to pick: I am tired of wimpy toilets. Toilets are NOT meant to be items that are gentle, calm, or smooth. The main purpose is to take whatever is in the bowl and whisk it down the drain in as quick and efficient a manner as possible. The federal government, in its infinite wisdom (all sarcasm applies) has designated “water consumption” limits on current toilets. Mr. Government, FUCK YOU. I do NOT want to have to force my shit down the drain with a plunger because you decided that it was using too much water. I don’t give a fuzzy flying fuck if it takes 50 gallons of water to send that turd down that dark waterslide, I want it GONE.

  To that end, we need turbo-charged toilets. Turbochargers, in automobile terminology, are devices that essentially make a car output more with less. A turbocharged toilet would consist of some sort of pressure vessel combined with a high-speed pump. Upon refilling, the pump would refill this pressure vessel as the tank is filling. This vessel would hold the water under a good amount of pressure — enough to remove rust from a car bumper, for instance.

  Upon flushing, the tank would start to empty and the toilet would monitor the progress. If no significant weight was being removed from its bowl (from what it measured was added), the valve on the turbocharger opens and water blasts into the toilet, slamming the ball through the hoop. You just can’t ask for a better performing toilet.

• Teflon Bowls – On the tail of the above point, we need a new material for toilet bowls. Glazed porcelain is tough and durable and cheap, but isn’t there a better surface to be crapping on out there? How about Teflon? How about Calphalon come out with a toilet bowl? ( If you used cast iron, how would you build up a patina?) At any rate, there has to be something more advanced — something that would give increased lubrication to the contents of the bowl as well as the water itself. Friends don’t let friends soak skiddies.
• Self-Drying Seats – Nobody likes sitting down in somebody else’s garden sprinkler activities, so why not have a seat that negates that by self-drying? Moisture sensors would figure out when a firehose has shot wrong and wait until the seat was vacated. It would then turn on the warning lights (see next point) and indicate that it was in a “drying” mode. The seat would then heat up, possibly all the way up to 212 deg. F, until the moisture was gone. Then the seat would cool down and the lights would go to normal. Think of how many surprises could be avoided by this little innovation.
• Lit Seats – Green for “go”, red for “don’t go, I’m doing something”. At night, the lights could sequentially blink, much like airport runway lights, guiding you to a safe landing. The lights could be LEDs embedded into the seat itself (safe from damage, safe from having to change them). Other status lights could be present, such as “please refill scent cartridge” or similar.
• Self-Cleaning Bowls – I buy one of those little blue hockey pucks for my toilet every month or so. Why not incorporate some cleaning into the thing itself? A flush, a squirt of bleach or a spray of rust remover and you’re set.

I know this seems like a lot of demands, but really, don’t we deserve the best experience on the john that we can get? I know my ass would appreciate it and yours should, too.